Ever Seen Zoolander?

It doesn't matter what I have been doing these past few days, Alexander Skarsgard is on my mind. I have had two dreams in a row one from last night and the night before. He was the King of the Underworld, and all around him were distorted and desolate creatures. In both dreams I was pulled into Hell to serve his purpose. Last night, he was luring me into his realm to sign a contract with him. Another man made his way through Hell, which was full of traps and horrible sights to save me, but when he finally found me, I didn't want to leave the King's side. And, so he was killed, and by signing the contract, he and I were set loose upon the Earth to live out our love and lust. Sound fucking ridiculous. The first dream was very similar, but even though the King of Hell had Mr. Skarsgard's face, he had the name of Kurt Cobain.

I hate how men who look... like him... 6 foot 5, handsome face and the body to challenge the statues of Greek gods only exist on film. So, women, like me, with vivid imaginations, can daydream them up and down all day. I was sweeping at work the other day, and imagined him walking through the doors, his eyes glazed over in some thought or another. I imagined what I would say to him. Daydreams, sometimes they can be so painful to experience. These night dreams I have, I wake up in a pool of sweat... so fucking lonely.

I am a lunatic, I know. But, I think everyone has someone out there they'd just like to know in the biblical sense. I hope no one reads this. This isn't supposed to be some fan site for Mr. Skarsgard. I just need to get these freak thoughts out of my head while I am awake.

I feel like such a creep.

All My Words for Sadness, Like Eskimo Snow

I slept quite a long time yesterday. I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at noon, I then stayed up six hours and went back to sleep at 6pm to wake up at 3:30 this morning to go to work. The thing is I want to crawl right back into bed where it is warm. Where it is soft and welcoming. The outside world is so harsh compared to that of the delicacies of the bed. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Alex while I am awake, which exhausts me. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision leaving him. I mean, I know it was right, because I couldn't care for him the way he cared for me, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to hurt him. I know how it feels to get used to someone being around, and despite the way they have been acting whether it be distant or snappy, make yourself believe they will always be around. And, then when they disappear, all seems lost and meaningless.

I finally got a chance to talk to him yesterday, and he was very hateful. But I bit my tongue. I understand why he'd be so angry, and with that understanding comes acceptance and patience. Overall, it was a painful conversation, but I think it was helpful.

Sometimes I wish my life was worth something, meaningful in some great way. Like in all the books I read and the games I play and the movies I watch. Everything has purpose, it is so different than this reality in which we all live in. I feel displaced somehow on occasion. The thought ringing through my skull, "This can't be it. This mundane life, can this be it?" And, all of a sudden nothing around me, no one around me seems real at all. Just an illusion. I can't breathe suddenly, the world seems to be crashing down, even the own body I am in doesn't seem real. I feel as if everything around me were alien and incomprehensible. All I can do is close my eyes, and find somewhere to hide out with my eyes closed shut until the feeling passes.

All I ever wanted was someone to actually care about getting to know me. Someone to show me a world that is worth living in.

"I just wish I could have made you happy" he said. Me too.