I slept quite a long time yesterday. I went to bed at 6pm and woke up at noon, I then stayed up six hours and went back to sleep at 6pm to wake up at 3:30 this morning to go to work. The thing is I want to crawl right back into bed where it is warm. Where it is soft and welcoming. The outside world is so harsh compared to that of the delicacies of the bed. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Alex while I am awake, which exhausts me. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision leaving him. I mean, I know it was right, because I couldn't care for him the way he cared for me, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have to hurt him. I know how it feels to get used to someone being around, and despite the way they have been acting whether it be distant or snappy, make yourself believe they will always be around. And, then when they disappear, all seems lost and meaningless.
I finally got a chance to talk to him yesterday, and he was very hateful. But I bit my tongue. I understand why he'd be so angry, and with that understanding comes acceptance and patience. Overall, it was a painful conversation, but I think it was helpful.
Sometimes I wish my life was worth something, meaningful in some great way. Like in all the books I read and the games I play and the movies I watch. Everything has purpose, it is so different than this reality in which we all live in. I feel displaced somehow on occasion. The thought ringing through my skull, "This can't be it. This mundane life, can this be it?" And, all of a sudden nothing around me, no one around me seems real at all. Just an illusion. I can't breathe suddenly, the world seems to be crashing down, even the own body I am in doesn't seem real. I feel as if everything around me were alien and incomprehensible. All I can do is close my eyes, and find somewhere to hide out with my eyes closed shut until the feeling passes.
I finally got a chance to talk to him yesterday, and he was very hateful. But I bit my tongue. I understand why he'd be so angry, and with that understanding comes acceptance and patience. Overall, it was a painful conversation, but I think it was helpful.
Sometimes I wish my life was worth something, meaningful in some great way. Like in all the books I read and the games I play and the movies I watch. Everything has purpose, it is so different than this reality in which we all live in. I feel displaced somehow on occasion. The thought ringing through my skull, "This can't be it. This mundane life, can this be it?" And, all of a sudden nothing around me, no one around me seems real at all. Just an illusion. I can't breathe suddenly, the world seems to be crashing down, even the own body I am in doesn't seem real. I feel as if everything around me were alien and incomprehensible. All I can do is close my eyes, and find somewhere to hide out with my eyes closed shut until the feeling passes.
All I ever wanted was someone to actually care about getting to know me. Someone to show me a world that is worth living in.
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